It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because it's
been a while since I've had anything to say.
Today I have something to
say.
I am going to be self-indulgent
for a moment, so forgive me.
Last night I was finishing up
some work at my computer when I thought I smelled something very irritating.
Now I know I can't smell, but sometimes very strong scents can trigger a sinus
reaction for me, which this did, but sometimes with that happens, there is a
distinct fragrance to it. I can't identify it, but something is there.
Because of that, I have had a
secret: lately I've been wondering if I was starting to smell even a little bit
again, but without anything to go off of, I can't ever be sure.
So "smelling" whatever
this was was the same sort of confusing.
I checked my oven -- off.
Stove -- off.
Candles -- out.
I looked outside, and nothing
explained it.
Nothing was burning, no alarms,
nothing at all.
But it would not go away.
Those with a proper sense of
smell can use another object to weaken or get rid of whatever horrible smell
bothers them. Even just plugging their nose helps.
I tried that.
Nothing.
I went to bed, smelled my sheet,
pillowcase, hands... I couldn't get rid of it. It was overwhelming and
confusing and aggravating, but I started to wonder, and hope, that maybe I
could smell again even a little... And I started to wonder if I even wanted to
smell again if it was going to feel like this.
Today at work one of the rooms
next to us apparently smelled horrible so I offered to go in with our odor
spray to work on that. And what had made other people gag and hold their breath
had absolutely no effect on me.
Not even a sinus trigger.
So I'm right back to where I
started. And that's somehow still painful after all this time.
I don't want to be looking for
my sense of smell to come back. I don't want to always wonder if it will, hope
it does, wait for it to...
I don't want to deal with the
overwhelming almost smells that make me feel like I'm going crazy all over again.
I don't want to be surprised by
this anymore.
I just want to adjust and be set
in my adjustment.
And I thought I was.
