It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because it's been a while since I've had anything to say. Today I have something to say.
I am going to be self-indulgent for a moment, so forgive me.
Last night I was finishing up some work at my computer when I thought I smelled something very irritating. Now I know I can't smell, but sometimes very strong scents can trigger a sinus reaction for me, which this did, but sometimes with that happens, there is a distinct fragrance to it. I can't identify it, but something is there.
Because of that, I have had a secret: lately I've been wondering if I was starting to smell even a little bit again, but without anything to go off of, I can't ever be sure.
So "smelling" whatever this was was the same sort of confusing.
I checked my oven -- off.
Stove -- off.
Candles -- out.
I looked outside, and nothing explained it.
Nothing was burning, no alarms, nothing at all.
But it would not go away.
Those with a proper sense of smell can use another object to weaken or get rid of whatever horrible smell bothers them. Even just plugging their nose helps.
I tried that.
I went to bed, smelled my sheet, pillowcase, hands... I couldn't get rid of it. It was overwhelming and confusing and aggravating, but I started to wonder, and hope, that maybe I could smell again even a little... And I started to wonder if I even wanted to smell again if it was going to feel like this.
Today at work one of the rooms next to us apparently smelled horrible so I offered to go in with our odor spray to work on that. And what had made other people gag and hold their breath had absolutely no effect on me.
Not even a sinus trigger.
So I'm right back to where I started. And that's somehow still painful after all this time.
I don't want to be looking for my sense of smell to come back. I don't want to always wonder if it will, hope it does, wait for it to...
I don't want to deal with the overwhelming almost smells that make me feel like I'm going crazy all over again.
I don't want to be surprised by this anymore.
I just want to adjust and be set in my adjustment.
And I thought I was.