I'm Going On An Adventure

It is in my nature to make things seem like less of a problem than what they are, that everything is all right, that I’m fine, that no one needs to worry. I get it from my parents. We’re of the “I can do this, it’s my problem, push through” mentality. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think it’s quite a good thing.
The problem comes when others assume that because we are dealing with this, because we seem to be “handling it so well”, that it’s not actually a problem.
That is not the truth.
As it is with most things in life, our struggles are personal and internal. No one can see them or know of the battle that we wage through them. It’s true with everyone and every problem, no matter what it is.
I had someone say to me recently “You can’t smell anymore? Oh, that’s not that bad.”
Now, I’m not one to broadcast problems or to dramatically wallow for the public in my despair—at least I hope that’s how I come across, it’s what I aim for, at any rate—but that just got to me. Not that bad? Because I can smile and laugh about it? Because the jokes are funny now? Because I’m not locking myself in my bedroom and refusing food or friends?
This is HARD. I don’t want to make it seem worse than it is, because, yes, it could be worse. Just about anything could be worse if you think about it long enough. But one of my favorite people on the planet once said, “Nothing is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.” So I don’t whine about it. Well, unless you’re my mom [Sorry, Mom!], in which case you know you’re about to be sainted anyway, so it’s not so bad.
But just because I keep my hard moments for private times, because I still smile and push through, because I am trying to make the best of it, does not mean this is easy.
I’ve lost one of my senses. For whatever length of time God sees fit. Only He knows when/if it will be restored to me. Not even my doctors can tell me that. Could it be worse? Of course! But does that mean this isn’t hard? NO! This is hard. This hurts sometimes. This is sad sometimes. This really sucks sometimes.
But I am choosing, for the most part, to not dwell on those things. Because it could get to me. I know myself well enough to know that I could easily get carried away in how overwhelming this is and letting myself go to dark places AND STAYING THERE would be very detrimental to trying to live in my new world. I’m allowed to have my emotions, good and bad. We all are. What matters is where we choose to live. How we choose to spend each day. And I am not talking about residential markets or extracurricular activities.
I choose not to live in a dark place. I choose light. That doesn’t mean there aren’t clouds. Sometimes light is work. I choose to spend my time learning about the new me, my “new normal”, rather than mourning for what I used to have and be. Doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of regret or pangs of longing. I just don’t stay there. I can’t. I want more than that.
I want more for me.
I have a life to live, we all do. And we deserve to live it. Not just endure it. But LIVE.
Could it be worse? Absolutely. I know very well that I am blessed beyond measure and in the grand scope, this isn’t much at all.
But understand this: Just because it could be worse does not mean it isn’t hard.
It is.
I called this blog “Scentless Adventures” because I want to see this as an adventure. Our lives are filled with adventures, if we will consider them as such. But what adventure, in any story, started out because of something awesome? Most of the time, it was something bad that needed to be fixed and one person was brave enough, bold enough, or sometimes unlucky enough, to step forward and say “I’ll try.” And there are bumps in the road, bruises that we receive, thunderstorms and fire-breathing dragons and sometimes flying monkeys. When the adventure is over, when victory is had, does everything go back to the way it was? No. It can’t. Everything is different. Including the hero. But that adventure, that problem, has been conquered because of the change.
It takes time, it takes learning, it takes those bumps and bruises and storms and fire-breathing dragons and flying monkeys, it takes work and effort and bravery to change. To adapt. To become strong enough to vanquish whatever battle we face.
What adventure is successful if the supposed would-be hero decides to do nothing except cower in the face of the path before him? What victory can be had if he or she sits down and cries “It’s impossible, I can’t do it”? What change can come, what improvements can be made, if that person doesn’t move? So the choice we have is to be the hero and face it, or sit down and wallow. The fear is the same. The uncertainty is the same. The task is the same. What is different is what we do about it.
Be the hero of your adventure. Dark moments will come, and you are allowed to have them. But don’t park yourself within the darkness and say “This looks like a good spot to stay.” Get out of them. Ride them out. Realize that what you are doing is hard, and you are not weak for feeling that way. Then pick yourself up, get back on the road, and say, “Okay. What’s next?”
This is hard. I have a lot of fear and uncertainty. But I also have hope. Hope that this won’t be so weird someday. Hope that I’ll learn how to love my new life. Hope that maybe this won’t last forever. But even if it does, I have hope that it will be okay.
There’s a lot still to learn and experience, and that is both exciting and scary. Adventures are both exciting and scary. This is my adventure. And I’m hoping that when it’s all over, when I have conquered this mountain, He will be proud of the warrior I’ve become. And so will I.

High: Everybody was complaining today about the painting going on in the building because it smelled so much. I didn’t smell a thing. It was great.

Low: Peanut butter. You would think it would taste more like nuts, which I can still enjoy, in a weird way, but it’s not. It’s thick and gunky and has a nutty-like grit of flavor, but all in all, it kinda made me nauseous. I’m thinking of having a moment of silence for that one.

High: I’m expecting some new books any day now that are specifically about smelling disorders and recipes for those who struggle with them. I’m excited to learn more about the “what” I’ve got and the “how” to enjoy it more!

Heavy stuff today, and I’m sorry for that. It just needed to be said. I promise to keep those days minimal, because nobody wants to hear that. Here’s a fun factoid that I picked up from the excerpt of one of the books I’m getting: people with smelling disorders generally have to watch out for 3 things. 1) Decreased appetite. [Check.] 2) Weight loss. [Check.] 3) Too much salt and too much sugar in the diet. [Holy crap…..check….] I didn’t even think about it, but #3 was TOTALLY happening to me. It makes sense, salty and sweet are two of the only things I can tell about foods these days. So I eat a lot of it. Whoops…. Here’s to learning about other stuff I can go for so I don’t end up a scrawny diabetic with high cholesterol!