Roller Coasters and Life

Let’s talk about something that I haven’t really touched on yet. I’m not quite sure how this will go, and maybe I shouldn’t even be talking about it, but it’s my experience of late, so here we go.
I had no idea how tied to emotion smell was.
It doesn’t seem like a connection that would be made easily. After all, what we see and hear and touch brings us so much emotion, makes us feel so much. No one ever really remembers that smell is important. That smells give us emotions too. That smell is powerful.
It’s taken me a bit of time of living and dealing with this to get here, but now that I am, I can tell you this: it is an emotional roller coaster.
It’s hard to put into words, and I’m not sure I could without sounding dramatic, so I won’t even try. Everything about this is hard to explain, and probably even harder to understand without experiencing it yourself, so kudos to you for even reading this.
I don’t know how to “deal” with this besides the way that I am. There is no “National Organization for the Smelling Impaired”. We don’t get special treatment plans or tools for adapting or privileged parking or have any sort of outward sign of what we live with. And honestly, we don’t need one. We can do everything we could do before. It’s just…different.
Eating is stressful. If food is placed in front of me and I don’t have a choice, I can eat it. I can make it work. Might not eat a lot of it because appetite is pretty much a thing of craving and satisfaction, which I don’t really have anymore, but I make do. But if I have to decide what I am going to eat? Stressful and maddening and aggravating, and ultimately, disappointing. Because when we have a choice about it, we want something that will taste good. We want something that we like. Something we crave.
When nothing you can eat will give that to you, will fill you, will satisfy you, you don’t want to eat anything at all. Don’t freak out on me, I do eat, I promise. But what used to be the easiest thing in the world [far too easy, if you’re a scale-watcher] is now one of the hardest. It’s like those times when you’re starving but nothing sounds good and you don’t know what you want to eat and you ask just about everybody you can what you should eat just so you don’t have to think about it anymore and eventually you just settle on something because “maybe this will do the trick”.
Except I always hope I’ll taste it. Not even that, because sometimes I can taste something. I hope it will taste like I remember.
I still look for the end goal.
Nothing wrong with that, per se, but it does make living in the now pretty hard. Because right now, the end is not here. And I don’t know when it is going to be. And I start to wonder if actively hoping for the old normal, or even a hint of it, is keeping me from accepting and embracing this “new normal”.
So apparently, I’m still kicking and screaming and fighting this. And that’s okay. Because He asked me at the very beginning of this roller coaster if I trust him. I told Him I did. He’s a very intelligent being, because He asked me again. “Do you trust me?” I gave it the careful consideration it deserved, then I honestly replied, “Yes. I trust You.” I felt a small burst of warmth that told me He was pleased with that reply. Then one phrase entered my mind and it has been repeating every day, multiple times, ever since: “THEN TRUST ME.”

So I have hard days. So I have hard hours. So sometimes I can’t always smile and pretend that this is fun, that I’m fine, that this isn’t so bad. Sometimes I can. Sometimes it isn’t so bad. Sometimes I am fine. It’s all okay. Because I trust Him, and He knows that this is hard. He knows that I’m doing the best that I can. He knows that I know He is there. That I’m not doing this on my own, in spite of how it feels sometimes. And all I can do is keep trusting Him. Because there is a reason why I have to do this. What it is, what I am supposed to learn, I don’t know yet. Maybe I won’t for a long time. But I’m going to do the best I can to learn it, to become whoever I am supposed to, and to give back whatever I gain because of this experience.

It’s hard. It sucks sometimes. I hurt sometimes. I shut down sometimes. But I’ll get there. We all will. One step at a time, one day at a time, one trial at a time. We’ll get there.
High: My sweet friend Adriana made me quinoa last night. “You’ve never had it, so you don’t know what it’s supposed to taste like, so it can taste however you want!” Turns out that texturally, it was really kind of fun to eat. Who knew?
Low: I was watching construction work happening in a field by where I work. I couldn’t remember how dirt smelled. It seems weird, I know, I never actively smelled dirt before. But dirt and overturning of dirt and construction, they all have smells. And I couldn’t tell you what it is. I don’t remember what dirt smells like. And that was sad.

High: In my reading and research and conversations lately, I’ve been told that the whole “emotional” aspect of this is normal, and some people have it worse. The book I quoted last time, “Season To Taste”, had so many insights and recollections that echoed my exact thoughts and emotions. It is such a relief to find that my reactions, my feelings, my struggles, have all been experienced by others with this same challenge. Someone else knows exactly what this is like. Doesn’t matter if I don’t know them or ever meet them. They’ve been here. They know. And they got through it.

Life is a beautiful thing. The world is a beautiful medley of senses and experiences and there are layers upon layers of amazing parts to live and witness and embrace. Don’t waste it. Find it all. See the magic of life unfold for you when it does.

It is amazing.