Can You Smell Fear?

I want to talk very briefly about fear. Briefly because I don’t like focusing on fear, it’s such a negative thing and can be very overwhelming if we let it.

But it needs to be talked about.

When I first started this adventure, there was A LOT of fear. Would I EVER smell again? Would food EVER taste normal again? What about flowers and rain and spring and Christmas trees and….. The list went on and on, everything I could possibly think of missing, I missed.

Then I settled in a bit, and things started to be less scary. I got used to things being weird, and weird became normal.

Well, now I don’t even notice the weird. It’s just normal.

Except for when it’s not.

I may never know how much “damage” was done, or what exactly happened, or if the sense I once knew will come back even a little. That was really scary for a while. Now I’ve settled into the mode of “Well, I guess we’ll just make do”.

But I still have some fears.

First let’s talk about the smells that warn us. Smoke, gas, burning rubber, sulfur, etc. Those are important things to smell. I can’t smell those anymore. So what will I do about that? Not sure, but I’ve already had little tiny moments of fear there. The smoke detectors went off the other day and it shocked me because I hadn’t smelled anything burning. Turns out the roomie got a little too excited with her cooking. Nothing bad, it cleared up right away. But I didn’t know. I couldn’t smell it. It got my brain spinning, yet again, about the other dangerous things I couldn’t smell. I’ve thought about it a lot since this happened, and others have brought it up too. Every time, my answer is “I don’t know.” That is a fear I’m not sure how I’ll get over, but I’ll try.

Second, the kitchen. I have become a typical college student again, eating fast and easy and cheap [but not so cheap] meals other people cook. Fast food happens AT LEAST once a week, usually more. Why? Because I’m afraid of cooking. Seems silly, I know, but I’m not going to know if something smells right, and a lot of cooking, for me, was about smell. Or taste. How am I supposed to know if something needs more salt? Which, granted, doesn’t mean much to me right now, but if I was cooking for someone else? I was making brownies the other day, from a box, and I was terrified. I used to know when brownies were almost done by how they smelled. I’d never made this kind before, what if my oven cooked them at a different rate? What if I ruined them? What if I burned them? These were for a church activity, they HAD to be good. Thankfully, one of my roommates was home and I peeked in her room and asked her to tell me if anything started smelling one way or the other. I THINK they turned out okay? I’d say they tasted fine, but I’m not exactly a good judge of that anymore. They were too gooey, but some people like those. Oh well.

Third, favorites. I have found my realm of “comfort food” like this, and it doesn’t extend very far. I eat the same things all the time. Why? Because I’m afraid that the foods I used to love will disappoint me. I don’t want Five Guys burgers and fries to taste like the new normal. I don’t want my favorite cereal to taste like cardboard. I don’t want Mom’s chocolate chip cookies to be reduced to the same flavor as four day old oatmeal raisin cookies from the store. And at this moment, I may never eat one of my mom’s cinnamon rolls again, because losing that would be a tragedy. I’m not necessarily going out of my way to avoid these things, but I don’t exactly put forth effort there either. I’m afraid if I try them again, like this, I’ll forget how they used to taste. It’s happening with other foods, and I’m not ready for that yet.

Fourth, people. Not actual people, I don’t really miss smelling all y’all [no offense] but like public settings. I haven’t quite figured out how to handle that yet. I never noticed how often we comment on smell. One of my students the other day asked “What smells?” And without thinking, I asked, “I dunno, what does?” She was so embarrassed and flustered, and it took me a second to understand why. Then I was apologizing and she was apologizing, and it was a really awkward situation. I hadn’t meant for it to be, I honestly forgot that I couldn’t smell, so I didn’t know what she was talking about. I didn’t know something smelled. Or when someone makes the comment about how great something smells and looks to me to reciprocate. My first response is usually “I bet it does”, or if I’m feeling funny “Does it?” But those backfire too. People are always apologizing for forgetting that I can’t smell. It’s fine, I forget too. I don’t get offended by people asking me if something smells weird or good or asking me to taste something and then forgetting that I can’t taste like I used to. It doesn’t bother me, and I’d like to joke about it. I try, but it just makes people uncomfortable. We were trying to decide on places to go for lunch, and that was usually where I’d jump in and voice an opinion, so everyone looked at me. I smiled and said, “Guys, I am not the person to ask about restaurants these days, so pick a place, and I will go and eat whatever they have.” I thought that might have worked. It didn’t. I don’t know if the problem is me or that people just don’t know how to respond. But it’s making me self-conscious. I don’t want this to be a sign I have to wear around my neck. I don’t want to be the downer.

Fears are annoying. I know that, I get irritated by them myself. I’ll feel all brave about trying something and then back out at the last second. I have no problem trying things I’ve never had before because they can taste like whatever I want. I don’t miss smelling bathrooms or sweaty athletes. I don’t miss craving things, because honestly, how maddening is that? Especially when you can’t have it! Drives people crazy. Sure, sometimes I get in the mood for something, but I’ve learned how to deal with that. I’ve actually learned a lot.

Still learning. Every day.

But this isn’t so new anymore, so I’m not noticing as much as I used to.

Someone asked me today if I was getting better, and I didn’t know what to say. I knew what they meant, which was “Is your taste better?” or “Is your smell better?” and the answer to that is, sadly, “No” right now. I’ve tried and tested a lot, and it’s just not.

But AM I getting better? And the answer to that is a resounding YES. There are way too many facets of that answer to go into on here, and some things that are way too personal for a public blog, but the change in the last few weeks has been amazing.

I have fears. I just told you about them, and I’m sure as soon as I post this, I’ll think of more.

But I’m not afraid anymore.

The future doesn’t hold scary things for me anymore. The worst case scenario is not looming over my head. I don’t feel weighed down by what I can’t do anymore, I’m not worried about the “what if” and “maybe never” stuff.

And that is pretty dang freeing.

Little fears come and go, and I have no doubt I’ll be making adjustments for quite a while as I figure out life like this. But it’s a life. I’m living. Moving forward.

To wherever this path takes me.

And it’s not scary.

It’s exciting.

It’s an adventure.

High: I really love ice cream. Doesn’t matter that it doesn’t taste quite like it used to, I still love it, and it’s still comforting, and it still makes my night better when I have it.

Low: Skyline chili. Oh, it breaks my heart. One of my sweet girls is from Cincinnati and went home for Easter and brought me back some. I tried SO SO SO hard to get a hint of something from it. Nothing. Ugh. Moment of silence……….

High: It’s spring and it’s pretty and beautiful and the colors are so fresh and bright, and the air feels like spring. Easter was glorious and the world is gorgeous. And I can imagine it to smell like whatever I want. And today it smells like hyacinths.

Let go of fear. It’s not worth the effort. You might not be brave, and that’s fine. But don’t be afraid.