Recently

Haven’t had much to talk about recently, hence my lack of posting. But I figured it was time for an update of some kind.
I have found that I am thinking about this less and less as the days go on. It seems normal now for things to taste the way they do, for nothing to smell, and for the same scent to linger in my nose and mouth all day long. I guess this is a good thing, because it means I am adapting to the way things are. I not as surprised anymore when I forget that I can’t smell. I’m forgetting less often.
The other side of this is that because things are becoming more normal, I am not thinking about the other stuff that came along with it. I felt very insightful for a while there, thinking that I was experiencing so much even without smell as I tried to adapt. I don’t notice the smaller things as much anymore. Maybe those are becoming normal, too. It’s the nature of being busy, I guess. Life gets so crazy and full of activities and stresses that a lot of things fall by the wayside.
But here’s the thing: I don’t want that to happen. I don’t mind not focusing on the lack of smell, that would actually be nice. I would rather not dwell on what I don’t have or what I am missing. But I don’t want to lose the appreciation for what I have, now that I have seen things differently.
Maybe I’m not losing it, maybe it’s just not as surprising? I walked to my mailbox yesterday and I saw a wild patch of daffodils by our creek. We don’t have a lot of green or color here yet, everything is still that “end of winter” brown. But those daffodils were bright and happy and stood out on the hillside. And I noticed, and I smiled. I didn’t wonder what they smelled like. I was just grateful they were there.
We have a roundabout in our complex [which is really entertaining, as most of the people don’t know what to do with it] and in the center there is some dirt. Or I thought it was just dirt, anyway. But the other day, when it was a little warmer than it had been, I saw the familiar deep purple crocuses popping up. Those have been one of my favorite flowers ever since I can remember. They are the first sign of spring to me, and they don’t last very long. But I love the symbol of hope and relief they have always been to me. And I smiled. I didn’t wonder what they smelled like. I was just happy to see them.
The point is that I am not dwelling on not smelling anymore. Which is huge for me. In spite of all my efforts, it was a very consuming topic for my mind. I think that’s normal. I think we tend to dwell on our struggles more than we admit, and it is hard to change our thought process. We focus on our weaknesses, and it can become our favorite topic to dwell on. While improvement of our weaknesses, and overcoming our trials, is all very important and our energies should be focused on turning weaknesses into strengths, there is danger in dwelling on our imperfections or our struggles. It can change the way we view ourselves, and we will always be seeing ourselves as lacking.
I don’t want to see myself as lacking the sense of smell. Or having a muted sense of taste. That may be what I have, but it isn’t who I am. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not all-insightful now because I have made it through this. This is still hard and it’s still challenging, but I am progressing. I think I am starting to actually live now, and I find that not smelling doesn’t hold me back at all. Which I knew in my head from the start, but I didn’t believe in my heart. Now the two seem to be getting along much better.

There is a point where we learn to accept our struggles and trials as part of our journey, and we reach a kind of serenity with them. Not because they are suddenly easy or the burdens are taken away, but because we are no longer afraid of them. Because we are not focused on how hard it is to carry them. Of course, it’s hard. It’s supposed to be. What would we ever learn in life if everything was easy and given to us? What strength would we gain if all of our work was light and required no effort from us? No, we need things to be hard if we want to become more than what we are.

I’ll admit right here and now that I still have doubts and worries. I still don’t venture very far into the other realms of food or some of my one-time favorites. It’s self-preservation. I don’t want to know what my old favorites taste like this way. I want them to stay fresh and fragrant and delicious in my memory. But you can only eat so much Qdoba and fried rice and chocolate and trail mix before you get bored and want more. So someday that will have to change. I’ll get there, and who knows, maybe I’ll find that Mom’s chimichangas are still good this way. Maybe they won’t be.

After all, ribs were still good. Didn’t think they would be, but they were.
Not everything is going to be bad just because it will be different.

Maybe I should listen to myself a little more.

High: Those ribs my dad got at Texas Roadhouse. So tender and juicy! And I picked up a bit of sweet and tangy in the sauce, so that was fun!
Low: All the spicy that I’m going for is starting to take its toll on me. I may need to lay low in the food department for a while…
High: I had a strawberry milkshake from Chick-fil-a the other night. It was awesome. There was a hint of the sweet fruity-flavor and bits of real strawberry in it, so it was much better than I thought. I expected a bland-ish dairy flavored thing. Nope! Pleasantly surprised.

Whatever our trials are, day to day, we can do it. We wouldn’t have them otherwise. You are not alone, even if you feel like you are. Life is not as scary as it feels. I promise.